Is it okay to not having it all ( or anything) together?

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Are there ever days where you just want to pull the covers back over your head because your dream was better than your reality? Just this morning I had the most fabulous dream where I was a fashion blogger for PopSugar than of course I woke up and remembered that I was unemployed and live at home with my parents. Fabulous.

I really don’t want to sound snarky that is not my intention at all, I know I am beyond lucky to have parents that allow me to spend the day in my Eberjey pajamas wallowing in my own self-pity but at the same time that’s not what I wanted for myself.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You see, I went to a really great school where I got impressive grades and I spent my summers working for free at internships I even took out thousands upon thousands upon thousands of dollars to do so, yet I still find myself unemployed and when I am employed I am vastly underemployed.

Why isn’t there a class about this in school? Why don’t they tell you this shit? I really did (laugh if you’d like) buy the lie that if I went to a competitive school and worked hard that when I graduated the job of my dreams would be just a reach away. Lies, all lies… of course unless you went into any kind of computers or accounting which of course if you did you are a genius and I envy you.

I was the girl attracted to all things creative. Journalism and English major… I could kill myself for that.

I was THAT girl, the one who wore her Louis Vuitton Neverfull as her book bag and dressed up for class and told everyone she was going to write for Vogue…. Only to wake up and realize post graduation that those jobs are more rare than the most perfect precious yellow diamond.

Needless to say I live in the past. I just can’t move beyond how amazing college was and how unstoppable I felt… a great juxtaposition to the hot mess I am now (emphasis on ‘mess’).

Every time I go back to my college city I try to see if I can get that feeling again, that same feeling of unsurpassable ignorant confidence. I was so ignorant of the World and believed anything I wanted I could make mine and at the time it was true. But I can’t get that feeling anymore, even when I go back and I try to relive it all it’s just not the same. The places are the same, the people are the same, but I’m not the same. I’m older now, I want to say wiser but I know that would be a lie. I’m not wiser just jaded. I feel like it’s some Thomas Wolfe shit, you just can’t go home again.

It truly seems since college everything turned to dog shit. I don’t want to say I have a case of bad luck because I’m not even sure I believe in luck but I can’t shake the feeling that some bad shit is following me.

My luck changed my final summer semester when my one class got canceled and was moved to the following fall semester, a semester that the school wouldn’t give me money for (they are still waiting for their check). During the fall while waiting tables and taking my final class my boyfriend got arrested (and I was almost arrested as an accomplice) for a whole list of charges therefore exposing the secret criminal life he had lived the entire time I knew him (Lifetime movie style). Heartbroken I moved back home and scored a 9-5 job, which turned out to be the job from hell. I worked for two insane single middle-aged women who I’m pretty sure had gigs moonlighting as the gatekeepers of hell. I put up with the emotional abuse for about 9 months before I was verbally assault with curse words and insults for not answering my personal mobile (still, can’t make this shit up).

So now instead of waiting for some positive vibes to come my way I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for Sallie Mae to come repossess my life since I owe her about that much. I just can’t help but wonder ‘are things going to get better?’

I’m really trying to turn my shit around, and I don’t believe I can do that if I stay in this negative energy state. In the morning I try to start in a positive mood but after about an hour of job searching I get discouraged and the negative vibes take over. I feel like I’m that Peanuts character but instead of a cloud of dirt around me I just have a cloud of impending doom.

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 I bought that ‘positive energy’ charm from Nordstrom, but I’m not sure a gold dipped circle is going to change things anymore; I’m thinking of burning sage in my room. Any other ideas on how to cleanse an aura?

 Ps. I know things could be worse, much worse in fact. Half of me doesn’t really care how I sound but the other half of me doesn’t want to sound like a spoiled chick who is bitching about a chipped fingernail. But I guess judge me if you must.

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